


Loss

by HoshisamaValmor (HannibalCatharsis)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Backstory, Canon Related, Child Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Dysfunctional Family, Family Dynamics, Kenny being an irresponsable ass, Pre-Canon, Violence, Young Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-03-17
Packaged: 2018-05-26 10:13:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6234628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannibalCatharsis/pseuds/HoshisamaValmor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fear, anger, joy, pain, struggles, mistakes and victories, companionship and family. All that had an expiration date. Kenny knew it. Levi didn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A series of moments of Kenny's and Levi's years together, which Kenny knows will cease sooner rather than later, divided in 3 chapters. The theme I intended to go for is loss of opportunity, time wasted that could have been used differently.
> 
> Another one part of my 'dysfuncional family' apparent series. My fic 'Choice' can be read as a sort of prequel to this.  This one wasn't planned, certainly didn't expect to spend another week around it, but I couldn't take this out of my head and I was freaking out. Then I freaked out because of the time it took me.
> 
> Written to 'Evanescence' album + 'Fists Fall' by OTEP + Eths albums for a final kick.
> 
> Warnings: Dysfuncional family, language, violence, underage drinking, Kenny almost admiting he has a heart and being an irresponsible ass instead.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Shingeki no Kyojin / Attack on Titan, obviously.

 

_"What the hell have I gotten myself into."_

_4 years old_

 

"What the hell have I gotten myself into."

That had been one of the first things he thought as he stepped into Kuchel's room two weeks ago. Those same words had been blurped out at least ten times per day since the moment he decided to act selflessly and against all logic. Kenny couldn't really call it a lapse of judgement, not when, again, those words came out of his mouth.

"What in the fuckin- BRAT! For fuck's sake, what are ya-"

"You know I have a name, don't you."

The result of his not-so-lapse-of-judgment was sitting on the brim of the rooftop of a nearby house. Kenny looked around, searching for whatever means an underfed kid might have found to climb a house and sit on the edge like it was the most natural thing to do. To his credit (whatever credit that might be), his skinny legs weren't dangling over the edge, otherwise Kenny might jump and just pull him back down, he was curled in the same childlike knee-hug as the day they met.

"What the fuck are you doin' up there?!"

Damn stubborn useless kid didn't reply. In a purposefully contrast to Kenny's usual talkative and complaining persona, Levi barely spoke. Kenny could literally keep track of the instances he had talked in these past two weeks. He looked down at Kenny, the dark circles under his eyes making them pop amongst all the shadows of his hair and skull.

Kenny snorted loudly, not caring about the people that shot glances at both of them. "How d'ya plan on getting down now, uh?"

Levi looked down, peeking carefully as if he didn't know how high above ground his small ass was.

"Ah, how about that." Kenny grinned victoriously and readjusted his hat. "You know what, I'll just go drink and find some nice company. Ya decide whatever the hell ya want to, whaddya say? Sounds fair to me."

"Kenny."

He turned on his heels and started to move away. Levi had some stubborness in him, and if he got injured or something, Kenny'd patch the little bastard if he was in a good mood. Anyway-

"Wait!"

Kenny snorted, stopped and turned, seeing those bright eyes of the kid opened wider than usual, just a bit too afraid. His face didn't express anything, just his eyes. Kenny sighed loudly, but he realized he wasn't as pissed off as he thought he'd be.

Levi said something that no one but him could hear. Babbling was a lot more annoying.

"Uh?! Speak up won't ya."

"Will you catch me?" Levi asked under his breath.

Well, he just might _not_ \- ugh whatever.

"Well what d'ya want me to do, let you get yourself sprawl flat on the floor? If I wanted you dead I'd have slit your throat before and be done with it, don'tcha think?"

Levi blinked, carefully uncurled himself and stood up, the height difference not all that noticeable. He stood still until Kenny moved closer.

He considered what would happen if he didn't catch the kid. The result was obvious, so he lifted his hands and grabbed Levi by the armpits as he fell and made him land safely on the ground. Levi lowered his own arms and looked at him with those big eyes, silent again.

Kenny snorted despite himself. "If you do that again, I won't catch ya, ya hear? Don't get confident in my good nature, uh? You get down alone next time."

Levi opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again and acted as if nothing had happened.

...

_Why wouldn't I just do this the easy way for me? I'm such a stupid waste._

_6 years old_

The little starving brat he had considered killing when he first laid eyes on him, giving him some form of decent death over rotting away like his mother did, was now here, running and fighting for everyone to see. Against Kenny's own wishes, he had found himself writing to Uri several times in past two years. He had paid The King some visits. Two so far. Kenny had made it _clear_  to himself - not Uri - that he wouldn't let the damn kid stall him in his work, yet he just knew leaving Levi alone wouldn't really be for the best.

Well, he'd lose nearly two years worth of training if the kid just ended up dead like a moron, right?

Levi wouldn't go down easy, and it wasn't all due to Kenny's training. He had his own strength, but of course, he was a kid. He had much grooming to go through, literally growing up as much as he could, and need for protection. No matter how tenacious he was, there was simply no way he could take out a grown man alone, armed with just a knife. Even Kenny could admit that, and didn't really mind knowing he was committing to watch over the kid. He was already doing that for a while, right?

For maybe one year longer. He'd let Levi go out alone, see how he managed in the the streets of the Underground.

Under some supervision. Maybe.

The pub was loud, some men playing cards that more like seemed a drinking game instead, the cards discarded for long periods of time; several others engaging in a loud competition of their own. All the noise didn't bother him of course, nor did it stop Kenny from revising his thoughts. He growled at himself, sent his hand rubbing his neck to releave some - what? stupidity? - and sat there looking down at the table.

Stupid thoughts. As if he'd ever consider all this before. Making plans? One year away plans? Watching over a kid? Worrying about a damn brat?

Was he getting old?

Well shit.

One of the men went up in a howl, cheering so loud and accompained by a woman's squeal it made Kenny look up. This particular pub wasn't all that special (beer was beer anyway, so he didn't mind it all that much) but Levi seemed to enjoy it, hence them being-

"Oh." Kenny glanced down at his side, around himself, under the table, and found no trace of the damn kid. He turned to a guy sitting behind him. "Hey, you've seen the tiny midget I brought with me?"

The man shrugged and Kenny snorted at him, dismissing him with a wave. He turned to the loud group of men from before, and finally caught a familiar glimpse of long hair on a tiny frame.

Little brat was showing off and the guys were cheering him as he effortlessly spinned the blade Kenny gave him on his hand. The owner of the pub, an older busty woman, had glided to the end of the counter to see him too, and her higher pitched cheer stood clear above the men. Levi was enjoying the attention. There was that foreign thing on his face that was supposed to be a smile, so rarely there it was always noticeable when it showed up.

"Why'd you hold it like that, though?" One of the men asked, seeming rather intrigued despite his drunken state.

"Helps me spin faster," and he followed to demonstrate, a trick Kenny couldn't have teached him.

"Attaboy, Levi," the bartender woman praised, and Levi widen his smile. The hole of his missing front tooth made the woman grin. "Ah you look hilarious."

"I swallowed the tooth when Kenny tried to help taking it out."

"Eeeh I heard my name!" Kenny joined them, standing tall enough to peek over the group. "Make way for the man!"

The woman grinned wider too. "Can't imagine how he helped you out."

"Told me to dodge. _After_ throwing the punch against my head." Levi spinned the blade and tucked it safely on his waistpocket.

"That's how you train kids, right? Pain's the best teacher." Kenny tried to mess his hair, but Levi dodged swiftly beneath his hand. His face was back to his usual frown, but Kenny saw the glint of satisfaction and grinned back at him. "That's what I'm talking about. Ya're a fast learner."

"Yeah, keep going Levi, you get strong enough and you'll be just fine," the bartender agreed.

"That's what I always tell him! But think he listens to me? Nah, someone else's gotta say the exact same thing and _then_  he listens."

"Ya got a nice fighter here!" The cheering man from before said. "I need to learn some o' those tricks."

"I might be persuaded with some nourishment, huh Martha?"

"I'm the one that'll be selling some good nourishment in no time, but not to you lot. How many of you like tea?"

At the echoed 'blergh' coming from the men, Martha growled. "You all know how expensive tea is?! You need a refined palate, that's what ya need." And Martha winked at Levi, signaling him to sit down on the stool. Levi smiled again. He liked the woman, she was all clutchy and that was the main reason why they went to the pub.

"Besides, you can't just drink beer and expect to get strong," she added, again to Levi. "You have a lot to grow and Kenny has a lot to teach you, don't you, you sly little bastard?"

"Ah, you read the hearts of men, don't you, Martha my darling? Listen to my heart's beautiful voice singing and get me actual drinking then."

...

"Kenny."

"Huh."

"Can you take me above one day?"

"Ah, you wish."

Levi stopped adjusting the cloth over his mouth, starting one of his daily cleaning rituals. Kenny was busy checking his knifes, picking the ones he felt more comfortable on his hand.

"You've got a wife up there?"

Kenny chocked in his spit at that and barked out a laughter.

"Where'd you get that idea, kid?!"

"A husband then?"

"I prefer big breasts over equipped groins."

"Who do you write to, then?"

Kenny raised his eyes to Levi, who had for once turned his face the other way and was climbing over a chair to dust off the only shelf of the room.

"Picking up some new tricks, are we?"

"Not from you, that's for sure."

"Since when do ya know how to read? Reading is good, it's pretty useful. Get better at it."

"I can't read. I just saw the letters." Even slightly muffled with the cloth, the words had a slight twang from the missing tooth. Kenny realized suddenly how much a baby voice he still had. That made him chuckle for no reason. "How's is it up there?"

"It's big."

Levi turned slightly too fast, betraying his attempt at self control. He tried to mask the curiosity that brightned his eyes, to no use.

"How does the sky look like? Is it really blue?"

"You've climbed the stairs before?"

"There's a place my mother found. You can't climb, but you can see a bit of light, and a bit of the sky."

Kenny shrugged. "Well, that's about it. You know it's blue. There's sky, the air feels really light, and then there's the walls. The world's big, kid, you're completely insignificant in it, living here. You really can't imagine it. But then you realize you're kinda reduced to a form of big cage too. But it's better than having no sky, that's for sure."

Levi climbed off the chair, taking off the cloth over his mouth. "No, tell me. I mean, is it really strong blue? And do the clouds look like cotton? You can't reach them, can you? Doesn't it get too bright, doesn't the sun hurt your eyes? How much sky can you see up there? Can you like, see an end to it? Do the walls block the sky? And at night? Do you like the stars, Kenny? I'm afraid to go to that place at night, I haven't seen the stars yet, they might not be shining and it'll just be dark."

This was a very clear reminder Levi wasn't a broken kid Kenny thought he was at the beginning. Maybe this was what Kuchel saw everyday, just a clever child, curious and eager for more than a shit life underground, like every child should hope for. It certainly was a first time for Kenny, to see him this excited over something. He guessed he couldn't really judge him, but seeing him-

Damn Kuchel.

For the first time, he didn't blame her choice to have a kid in this world. For the first time, he blamed her for dying, not fighting back, not asking for help. Now she didn't get to see how much Levi had grown, and would grow. She'd like to be around when Kenny left. Levi would probably like it, too.

Damn kid.

This wasn't for him. Levi's mother should be here to answer him, Kenny had other things to do than have the kid look eager and excited for answers and attention he couldn't give him.

"Will you take me there?" Levi asked again, eventually, after Kenny's silence was starting to leave him uncomfortable. He didn't even seem annoyed as usual.

"You'll get there, kid. No one's gonna take you anywhere, you have to make your own decisions and get strong enough. Then climb those stairs and go see the sky yourself."

...

_7 years old_

"Doesn't matter if you wanna do it or not. Ya have to. It's not about living, it's about surviving."

Levi probably wanted to say something, and not a sharp remark. If Kenny looked at him, he might identify the struggle, fighting against expressing his fear and hiding what to Kenny would be a weakness - but either way, Kenny knew. And it didn't matter. He'd grow out of it eventually.

"Ya know what MPs do to prisioners? When they want, they'll kill ya. Ya don't need trials if they decide ya don't. But then they don't just kill ya. That's what someone like me would do, right? Not them. They beat you up, they humiliate you, they starve you, they burn you, they torture you. You doubt me, Levi? I've seen them. You'll see them too, so then ya'll see how it all comes down to survival."

Kenny spinned the blade, removing layers of blood and splattering them over the corpse of the dark haired MP.

Levi, spotless clean, was standing some feet away. He avoided looking too much, which was something Kenny continuously scolded him over.

"Why don't you take those?"

Kenny followed Levi's waving hand towards the body. All he saw was the man's uniform, which obviously couldn't be what he meant, so the most obvious point was narrowed down to the 3DMG.

"Why'd I want that weird thing?"

"You can fly with it, can't you."

"Ya got any idea how hard that shit's to use?"

"Just because you can't doesn't mean I can't."

Kenny barked laughing. "I can send you flying if ya want. Ya wouldn't even fit in the damn dog straps, you forget you're a tiny midget? Hey, if ya want one, get one for yourself. Kill one of them yourself and take it."

.

to be continued

 .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic was meant to be a full, single chapter, but it's 5:30AM and I've been writing since 5PM and I'm missing the finale. I figured I should stop for today and finish this tomorrow (edit: ah tomorrow became nearly 1 week later).
> 
> Thanks for reading, any form of feedback is highly appreciated, seriously.
> 
>  


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was initially intended to be a single chaptered fic, then a 2 chapter fic, but will now have 3. This time I'll actually upload the last chapter tomorrow.
> 
> Thank you so much for everyone that has read and left kudos! Yay I'm happy.
> 
> Like I said, the whole purpose of this fic is to show the opportunities Kenny had with Levi, opportunities he never even imagined possible before, and wasted them. I wrote him as a neglecting and irresponsable father, yet if he could just change a bit, everything would be different. Alas.

_What I can give someone is some protection and surviving skills._  
_That's all I know. And you don't need much else._

_8 years old_

A woman entered Martha's pub. She was young, slightly dirty and otherwise completely average, thin hair falling to her shoulders. But as soon as she stepped inside, all the gazes turned to her and an uncomfortably itching rumbling fell over the place.

Kenny ignored her and lit his cigarette, but he was about the only one. The men shared remarks that were anything but whispers, and a couple of whistles echoed coming from unclear origins. The woman remained on the counter and talked only to Martha, who acted in the exact same manner as she did all clients.

Two of the men sitting by the counter turned to the woman, chuckling and flirting, one of them standing up and approaching in an undeceiving direction.

"Ah, we have new sights arou-"

Kenny watched as the man wasn't the only one to stand up, smiling to himself as Levi managed to glide effortlessly through the pub and jumped casually to the stool right next to the woman, as if it just coincidentally happened to be the only free seat available. The man's reflexes weren't as sharp as Levi's, so he more of less bumped into the kid.

"Hey. Move aside, brat."

"You're the one moving to the wrong side. Don't get near me or you'll get me dirty. Turn around and piss off."

The man blinked, fingers curling around the beer mug.

"Ya're outta ya league, brat. Ya think-"

The slashing hiss worked just as effectively for the gazes to turn that direction as Levi pulled out the knife, leaving a purposefully shallow wound on the man's forearm and sending him back with a jolt and a startled howl.

From his end, Kenny chuckled between a cloud of smoke. _That's how you do it, kid._ He amusingly watched the other men suddenly return to their previous topics of conversation, while the man on the counter was cursing under his breath. He tried to face Levi, whom unflinchingly glared back in silence, a threat not really needed to be hinted now. There was a thin dark glint on the blade on his hand. If it weren't for that, he was his usual expression-blank self, perpetual dark circles under his eyes but an almost cute long haired kid, his feet dangling way above the floor on the high bench.

Cross the line and the cute long haired kid will slice you up.

_Attaboy, Levi._

"Well, that's that, right fellas?" Martha commented, dissing the man. "You still have your beer, right? There's lots of room on the other end. You, Levi, want a beer too?"

"I want a cloth or something, there's blood on your counter."

The newcomer woman looked at Levi, unable to hide the surprised expression from her face as Martha handled him a wet cloth and a beer and the boy immediately started to scrub the stains before they dried. He was still clenching the knife on his hand, and didn't even try to look at the woman boasting over his intervention or anything of the sort. He effectively ignored her, and the woman remained silent too.

Some comments were now whispered as Levi attended to the blood on the blade and put the knife away again. Kenny was pleased to hear the whispers even less as he stood up as well and approached, joining Levi's side, cigarette stuck between his teeth.

"Martha sweet, that's for our beers and the lady there," he dropped the coins on the counter and casually nodded to the woman, her brown big eyes barely looking his way. "Cheers."

Being who he was, Kenny soon started to talk cheerfully with the guys, easing the environment by sharing awkward ridiculous stories. Levi didn't leave his place until the woman left, three beers in front of him. He was entertaining himself with a notebook Martha borrowed him, sketching some numbers and doing math and swinging his feet beneath him like a little kid.

Well, he kinda was.

Martha the bartender approached Kenny's table with a bowl of dried appetizers, her large face slightly more serious than usual. Kenny didn't mind her. The bartender was no fool, obviously, to own such an establishment, so Kenny was aware she knew his real identity, but had never made any sort of comment about it. The folks of the Underground didn't really care if MPs got killed, after all.

"You're raising that kid well, Kenny."

Whatever he might have expected from her look, it wasn't that. Kenny squinted at her and snorted loudly, shoving a hand on the bowl before she laid it on the table and throwing one of the appetizers to his mouth. It hit his cheek instead and he laughed at himself, feeling the salt sprayed on his skin.

"Ah, shut up, Martha. Your clutching doesn't work on trash like me."

"Just something to hold to mind, when you both need it," she added.

Kenny grinned, a bit too drunk, and dismissed her.

...

"Go to sleep, kid,"

Levi was sitting on his mattress, an unnervingly silent dark shape fixed on him against the humid wall. Kenny was half asleep in front of him, sprawled on the couch with his hat fallen over his face. Levi had put out the candles a while ago, so they'd be immersed with dim light coming from the window for long enough to let it cradle them to sleep. Cradle Kenny, anyway.

The older man was still warmingly drunk from the afternoon at Martha's, so it was _really_ the time to rest and really _not_ the time for Levi to have one of his occasional weird moods. Levi hadn't talked about the woman at the pub, and his weird moods got him thinking about all sorts of things and have nightmares or something. If only the kid could get drunk too, they'd both rest.

Instead he was just there, fighting off sleep like he always did. He'd never get rid of the dark bags on his eyes, clearly.

"Lay down, it's late and we gotta work tomorrow."

"How did you know my mother, Kenny?"

Kenny peeked an eye open, blurried vision turning to Levi. The cackle he gave made his chest shake and he kind of felt alcohol waggle in his stomach.

"Ah, I knew it."

"Knew what?"

"You're too basic, kid."

"What the hell does that mean?"

He chuckled again, readjusting his hat. This couch was just the perfection of comfort right now, the dim light so welcoming. Sometimes life wasn't all that bad when you were drunk and sleepy, huh.

"Kenny."

Exclude kids from the perfect scenario.

Kenny breathed out silently, yawning.

"Ya shouldn't ask stuff ya don't wanna know, brat."

"I'm not a kid anymore. Don't patronize me."

"What if I was one of Kuchel's clients, huh?"

"You're full of shit." He was so tired all he could do was laugh and let Levi think whatever he wanted. "Besides, you don't hit women."

It took him some long seconds to process, heavy breathing feeling so calming and carrying him to sleep. He moved to his hat again, covering his eyes.

"Don't generalize. I kill women too."

"How did you know her? Can't imagine my mother putting up with you."

"Maybe that's why she died alone, huh kid."

Kenny didn't think much else before falling asleep, mouth gapping and body heavy from tiredness, leaving Levi to stare at him, pale and gaunt. The dim light allowed for little more than dark outlines of each other. He didn't see how Levi's body quivered however slightly and the boy turned his back to him in a fierce and startled movement, a smothered whimper as he curled beneath the blanket, not all nightmares needing sleep to claw at him.

...

 _I can't be someone's parent._  
_I've always known that, never questioned or doubted it._

_10 years old_

His girly length bangs were gone. Levi now looked like the impudent pre-teenager brat he was. His decision, not Kenny's. Only time he had made a comment about Levi's hair had gotten him a kick on the shin and for some minutes his leg actually limped. Kenny wasn't stupid to just go around and wait to be kicked by the midget; besides, nor did he really care with whatever Levi prefered. Let him do whatever he wanted.

"My neck's cold."

Kenny turned his eyes to Levi, mouth currently full with beer and mug pouring down some more. He waited patiently until all of it was safely stored in his belly before burping, much to Levi's frowned annoyance.

"Charming."

"Stop whinning."

"Stop acting like a fucking horse."

"I mean stop whinning about the hair. Don't like it, don't cut it."

"I'm not whinning, just not used to it yet." His hand went up to his nape, now undercut. "It's more practical. Besides, this way people get off my back."

Kenny burped out again, this time normally with less showoff.

"Are ya really worried about what other people think?"

"No."

"'Cause you ain't supposed to. You ain't doing that, Levi, 'cause that's stupid. Who cares what people think. See the stupid retard nicknames they give me? Do I look like I care?"

"You do."

"A- Well, that's not what I mean! I don't care 'care', it's just annoying. What if someone calls you short, uh?"

"If I like the person, can't really say they're lying. Even if they piss me off or something, depends if I actually care for them or not. I may just tell them to shut up."

"Don't get lost on track here, brat! We're talking about not caring if people are fucking retards towards you!"

"You care about what I call you?"

"Ah! Why should I?"

"You're a stupid useless old man, but you do some good stuff from time to time. Not much."

"Bah, shut up."

"See."

Kenny looked at Levi, expecting to find him pointing at something, but instead, he was just looking ahead. Kenny actually followed his eyeline, feeling stupid as he did so.

"I told you, you're not as smart as you think you are." Levi turned to him, same usual glare on his eyes, but damn smug kid was triumphant in a mental cheer, Kenny could just tell.

And he realized Levi looked like Kuchel. Same face features, same eyes, similar expressions when Levi allowed expression to show. It was slightly bewildering, specially now he had changed his hairstyle. It might not be the best or safer looks for a young boy in the Underground, but hey, Kenny himself was dashy enough and survived, right? It actually made him look older. Kuchel would have liked to see the resemblance between herself and her kid.

Kenny had to admit defeat and grinned at himself. He then threw his hand on Levi's hair, still quite enough to tousle around and shoved him to the ground.

"Stop that!"

"Ah you little bastard. Who you're calling old, uh?"

.

to be continued

.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually feel this is strangely heart warming and fluffy. In a messed up way but still. Most fluffy interactions between these two.
> 
> A small chapter because otherwise this would be nearly 7000 words long. Tomorrow, or after maximum, the final chapter will be posted and I'll fall headfirst and hurting into my life again after nearly 1 month writing Levi and Kenny family fics.
> 
> Thanks for reading feedback is appreciated and please point out mistakes.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally.
> 
> Thanks so much to Scripto, MoonlitShadowsoftheHumanSoul, DarkWolf-Nightmare, SarjyMoose, IvyClare2020 and Killerwhale! (Man there's so many of you ahah) And all you readers, thanks for your time.
> 
> Young Levi fighting reminds me of Lisbeth Salander. Tiny furious folks who don't give up.
> 
> I don't think there's Christmas in SNK world. But there can be some festivities, specially close to the end of the year. I'd imagine that at least, hence wrote it. My other two 'dysfuncional family' fics ('Choice' and 'Decision') are slightly hinted here.
> 
> Warnings: Violence and death.

"Kenny!" his voice cracked more than Levi would ever admit, but everyone heard it. He knew Kenny was watching, on top of a higher staircase and looking at the scene in the courtyard, but likewise knew he wouldn't do anything to help. So the fact he called out ought to say something.

Well, they were four against one, all biggers kids than him. But he needed to learn to pick his own fights. And he was learning.

The boys were unbelievably annoying, even to Kenny. The leader of the group, a pretty blond teenager, was the one Levi cleverly tried to take down first, but miscalculated the partners' interference. His face was bleeding pretty badly and his movements were slowed down by ugly bruises, but Kenny knew his main concern was probably dirtying the tattered shirt he so fondly saved from his childhood days. Main concern should be avoiding to be kicked around.

The boys cackled loud at him calling out. Never show weakness, how many times had Kenny said that?

"You're such a baby!"

"See, that's how it's done. Eye for an eye, you dumb little kid."

Levi spat at his face, more blood than anything else, and jumped at him, punching the blond until he was literally teared off the older boy by the other three, pulling him by the jacket and repeatedly kicked him until they threw him to the ground again.

"Ya know what, no one's gonna believe it was us who beat him unless we show it off," one of the kids said to the leader as the blond got up, bloody face as well. He grinned and looked around, searching for something.

"Hey, bring me that." Kenny followed the kid's direction with his eyes and saw him go for Levi's knife that had been stolen earlier. He picked it up with a ridiculous flourish, absolutely nothing like Levi's ease and natural talent at wielding it. He tried too hard at being intimidating, but the act worked well enough when he had company. "So, Levi... you cut your girly hair now, but you still kinda look like a little girl don't you? What to do about that...?"

Levi just didn't give up. He hit one of the boys with a heavy punch, shoved an elbow on another's stomach and tried to get up, losing again. He wouldn't be so easily outmaneuvered by other kids in the near future, Kenny could just tell by the fury and the hurt in his eyes. He'd probably learn to carry more than one knife, too, like you're supposed to.

"You look stupid with that hair, bet you look better without it. Be still and I won't carve your face."

Ok, ok, annoying.

"Hiya boys! Let's all chill down for one moment, huh?"

The leader turned to Kenny, smug face flushed with overconfidence as he glared at the older man stepping down the stairs. Levi looked up as well, but the sight didn't exactly help apeace his anger. Kenny was sure it was the contrary.

"Stay outta this, old man." Two of the boys knocked Levi back down when he tried standing up.

"Ah come on! I'm not that old! Besides, you boys've shared your piece, put the little fucker in his place. Let's call it a day, don't ya think?"

"Fuck you, Kenny," Ooooh Levi was mad. Kenny wanted to grin.

"Wanna take your little protegé, do ya Kenny?" the leader asked, slightly staggered breathing. "I've never liked you two."

"Do I look like I care? I don't like me either! So boys, I solve this kinda stuff another way. Ya know the brothel nearby? All frustrations get right outta ya. Ya've been there before? I'll let ya try it and let's put this behind us, sounds good?"

The boys exchanged looks and laughed at his face, while Levi had gone absolutely livid, silent pure wrath building up. He thought Kenny was serious.

Ah, stupid kid.

"As if we'd believe you," one of the boys spat.

"I'm serious, I _am_ getting kinda old, I ain't fighting you boys. Let's get our agressive energies elsewhere and carry on friends." The boys kept smiling superiorly, as they did have the upper hand on the fight and outcome. "Oh, ok, one more spanking sounds fair. One for each, uh? Let me just start 'cause he ignored everything I've always told him and he deserves to be smacked."

The leader looked at one of the other boys and let out a laughter, seeing Kenny approach Levi, still sprawled on the ground.

"Well ok, I guess I can work that," the leader laughed again, turning his back to Kenny and looking at Levi. The little bastard wanted to see whatever beating he thought Kenny was going to give Levi. "Can I cut his hair though? Can we work that out too?"

"Yeah whatever works for ya," Kenny said uninterested, hand flying to the boy's mouth and blade sliding faster than a blink. Blood sprayed violently out of his throat and hit Levi and the boys, the later immediately jumped back yelping, eyes popping out in disbelief. The casualness Kenny shot at them turned them all bloodless white. "Or this works too, right boys?"

He shoved his shoulders back, dustying the annoying act off as the boys screamed and bumped at each other, fleeing as fast as they could and leaving their now dead leader to fall against the steps.

"Kids these days," Kenny sighed, spinning the blade as usual. A coughing sound made him look down at Levi, who was starting to stand up again, arms and hands apart as he did when he got dirty with something. "And you-"

"Fuck you."

"Well ya're welcome, you ungrateful brat," Kenny spat back as Levi shoved him out his way, slightly limping and cursing under his breath. He didn't look at the older boy dumped over increasingly blood trails on the steps, coughing again and spitting blood off his mouth.

"I need to wash myself."

"Shut up."

"I need to get this off me. I'm serious, Kenny."

Kenny dismissed the subject. As if it was the first time he got bloody. It was just some damn drips! He had enough of his own blood anyway. "Stop being such a cleaning freak, ya need to learn to pay attention to the partners of the target instead, ya-"

"I can get sick."

"From what?" Kenny asked loudly, shrugging theatrically. "Seriously, brat!"

Levi spinned on his heels, disgust mixed with rage as he displayed his face and chest - which to Kenny was no form of answer at all. "You fucking sprayed me with his blood!"

"Well thank you very much! Ya even lowered yourself to cry out for me, ya ain't supposed to do that! I ain't helping you again, ya hear? No one can give you power, ya have to build your own! And as for your blood babbling, that's only if the blood mixes or something, stop being such a freak and focus on what's important."

That wasn't really Levi's expected answer, and together with all the events in the last ten minutes, he might be closer to scream his lungs out and just try to beat Kenny up until his bruises made him stop and cough up some air.

But of course, this was Levi. He just frowned until his eyes disappeared beneath his brows and hissed ice cold death threats, bit down the pain and ran away faster than Kenny could or wanted to keep up.

"I ain't got time for your teenage bullshit!" Kenny still yelled, annoyed.

He took his time, not really wanting to deal with Levi right now. When he got to the safehouse, the damn kid had viciously scrubbed his body of any trace of visible blood, his hair still damp and tickling against his forehead. His tattered shirt and jacket were drying up on the shelf, and instead he had shoved some other sleeveless thin fabric over his head and was deeply engaged in cleaning every single bit of the safehouse as if it had been infected by proxy. Kenny could almost bet he was scrubbing the floor as hard as he had tried to rip the blood off him.

"Don't come in," he warned immediately before Kenny stepped inside. "I'm cleaning. Go piss off somewhere else."

Kenny was about to complain but chose against it, noticing how badly bruised Levi's face was already turning. His body was probably hurting too, but that wouldn't stop his obsessive exorcising cleaning, picking up the water bucket and carrying it closer to the entrance.

"Tsk, ya should rest don't you think?" Of course, he was ignored. Kenny sighed. "Argh, why are ya so damn stubborn?! Now ya know not to underestimate someone, brat, and-"

"Fuck off, Kenny!"

"And why're so angry anyway? I get you're hurting, but ya-"

It happened so fast none of them really understood it. Levi dropped the bucket and threw the scrub that hit Kenny straight in the forehead. The scrub went flying up and spinning, threw Kenny's hat to the floor and left him dipping under dusty water and foam. A whole second later, the scrub hit the floor with an echo, swirling twice before stopping.

His mouth shut tight, too stunned for one moment. Levi didn't look startled nor victorious, just too surprised to move, almost as if he hadn't been the one to throw the damn thing and was trying to get how it had happened. Both of them stood there looking at each other, drips falling from Kenny's hair.

The awkward silence lasted about three seconds, when a weird strangled sound came from Levi as he seemingly chocked on something and his lips curled up. Kenny blinked and out of reflex than anything else, he snorted. He wasn't even angry, his forehead burned just a bit, far from a war wound, but just... he probably looked like an idiot, he had to mock himself.

Levi probably wasn't so ahead to process his own change of emotions in such a small time, so instead he just laughed.

Now that was a new one. Kenny really must look silly, the situation ridiculous. It was most likely one of the first times Kenny saw the kid actually laugh, and it actually made Kenny smile back for no reason. He felt stupid, but he didn't care.

"Guess I know how to make you wash yourself now," Levi said between laughs.

"Ah ya think so?" He cackled and dashed forward. Levi still let out a 'Hey!' as if to stop him, but Kenny headed for the bucket and dived his cupped hand on it, throwing a splash of water. Levi chuckled and dodged but got hit by most of the splatter and for once not minding the mess. Kenny almost let out 'whoa' when he noted it.

"You can't catch me," the sly brat said, sliding around Kenny before the older man could even try to get hold of him. They averted around the small division, damn kid was a monkey. He darted outside, delaying on the doorway teasingly. "You suck, Kenny! You really are getting old."

Grinning, he went after the kid, seeing him hop down the stairs outside their safe house and land unscathed as if he didn't have his body throbbing with fresh bruises and as if he hadn't just spent the last minutes grudging Kenny. Now he was calling Kenny and laughing.

Levi was _laughing_. What the hell.

A couple of people on the street heard the noise and looked casually, smiling as they saw an older man with a longcoat running after a skinny kid and losing by a mile. Everyone was so used to scavage for survival, break moments felt like a rare entertainment.

Levi ignored people around him and ignored his pain like only a kid's resistance and perseverance could allow him to. Kenny saw him clench his teeth once when he curled and dodged Kenny, but that was about it, even his limping was mostly unoticed. It was weird to see him smile already; this was downright abnormal.

"Man, damn ya brat you're fast!" At that, Levi just grinned and mockingly ran right past him.

It grew boring shortly afterwards. Kenny's pace slowed and he breathed out, trying to comb the damp hair and feeling suddenly naked and exposed without his hat. Now he had to go up again and fetch it.

"That's it brat, I'm out."

"Wait, no," Levi complained, slightly puffy breathing. "You haven't catched me yet."

"I can't catch you, you're too fast. Go finish your hobbie or something, I splattered water everywhere."

"Wait, Kenny."

He heard the running footsteps approaching, hopping the stairs after him while Kenny climbed up and turned to their doorway.

"Come on, just a little more."

"Nah, that's it. I have stuff to take care of, ya rest or whatever you want, ya hear?"

Levi's face crumbled down painfully, his smile vanishing and eyes lowering from more than disappointment, but Kenny didn't see it, minding his hat and picking the suitcase instead. When he did try to shove him aside with his friendly, sloppy way, Levi just stepped forward and ignored him, returning to his cleaning.

...

_Levi should've known all this too. Didn't need to be said._

_11 years old_

Kenny was sitting by some discarded cargo boxes, watching people working and eating on the courtyard some meters away. Festivities were rare, but when they happened, they were worth noting and everyone tried to have some form of break from their daily surviving struggles. Kenny found it extremely ironic and ridiculous that on these ocasions, people spent and wasted food they otherwise wouldn't be able to afford normally. It felt like an ostentatious waste of effort. But it worked for everyone; people were happy whenever a local festivity occoured: the organizers, regular citizens and the underfed. Plus there was ocasional different music echoing through alleys and streets, making the Underground suddenly a slightly off, strange place.

Kenny spot a couple of teenagers scrounging bread pies and disappearing without being noticed, and a kid soon followed them, reminding him of Levi when he was that age because the kid barely reached the table where food was stored. Levi used to be like that, Kuchel's shirt used to be enough to actually cover his whole body. Now it wouldn't take two more years before it'd be too small for him to wear.

He laughed at himself, but since he was far enough from people, no one turned or questioned his sanity. Ah, it was hilarious. Thinking about that, the starving kid running away with two-days worth meals and comparing him with Levi just slapped the unbelievable fact that Levi _did_ grow up! And that despite the puberty that would hit him in some years ahead, Kenny was sure he wouldn't grow that much more. Ah, the tiny runt.

"Why aren't you stealing some food?" Speak of the devil. Levi's voice came from above him, and Kenny turned his head up to find him standing on the top of the staircase nearby.

"What's with you and heights, seriously? Overcompensating something?"

Levi's eyebrow raised, and Kenny chuckled from his own dumb comment. Despite his own thoughts just now, he sometimes still forgot how much of a kid Levi still was.

"You hungry? Go fetch some of that, it does smell nice."

"No." Levi climbed down the stairs, his jacket slidding over his shoulder like usual. He jumped down the bottom steps. His hair was slightly ruffled. "I can get something to drink though. I've got some money."

"Maybe Martha has that stupid tea you like."

"I wouldn't mind getting drunk if I could."

"Something happened?" Kenny asked, and Levi looked at him, blinking, as if he wasn't expecting the question.

"Nothing. I got into a fight."

"You didn't lose this time, uh?" Kenny noted, chuckling. Levi jumped on top of the cargo box next to Kenny (a higher one...), checking the people on the courtyard through the corner of his eye.

"He was one of the guys that beat me up once."

"You killed him?"

Levi looked at Kenny then, his expression falling weirdly, like he was disappointed or something. Kenny couldn't really tell why, why would he be disappointed anyway?

"No."

Kenny shrugged it off. "He was just a kid anyway."

"You killed the blond kid that time."

Normally, Kenny would take a while remembering whom Levi meant in particular, but he actually remembered that one. He didn't make a point in killing teens, and anyway, he knew it had been the same day Levi went from being angry at him to laughing - always something that registered in mind. The particular mention of the blond kid made Kenny shrug again.

"Well, he was annoying."

"Would you kill me, Kenny?"

He laughed at that.

"Ah, you're annoying but I haven't killed you yet, have I?!"

"You thought about it before, haven't you. The day you met me."

It was his turn to look at Levi, frowning. Man, that had been a while ago. What was wrong with him, why that now? Ah ok, Levi was on his weird moods. Hence the weird expressions to basic questions. Oh well, better be prepared for his mental ramblings.

Either way, Kenny also remembered that particular moment - that one he had reluctantly admited he wouldn't forget anytime soon, considering all it changed in his life.

"Well, you were half dead anyway. Of course I thought it was easier and better to kill you," He eased the subject, albeit probably not the best way, by adding: "It'd have saved us both lots of trouble, uh?"

Levi didn't show reaction to that, so Kenny grinned and tried to tousle his hair as usual, but Levi dodged too fast.

"Why didn't you?"

"Eh, who knows. I had a change of heart. I guess it's a good thing I didn't though, right? Ya wouldn't be here to piss me off would ya?"

Despite his predisposition for being an annoying prick, Levi rarely shrugged or sighed or showed any typical signs of a foul mouthed arrogant boy. He just sat there without reaction.

Kenny frowned again, not really knowing how to act to that lack of reaction. He didn't really like to feel like a little kid apologizing for wrongs done, and this felt like it was escalating towards that, so he felt like adding:

"Meh, who knows. If you go about stealing those dog straps and weird gas bottles that make you fly around, become a MP and come after me, then I'd have to kill you. Ironic scenario, huh?"

Levi snorted at the idiocy and mumbled "As if," before jumping from the cargo box and walked away muttering something about beers.

Kenny didn't have any problem with shrugging, so that he did. He watched some kids playing, but the distraction didn't stop him from noticing a teenage boy, around fourteen years old, approaching his direction unmistakably.

"Hey. You know Levi, don't you?"

"And?" He gazed at the boy checking for weapons, not finding any apparent ones. "Who're you? Levi's boyfriend?"

The boy blinked, as if the words had made no sense to him. Well, there was something wrong with boys today, huh?

"Levi doesn't have friends," he replied. He shrugged, dismissing Kenny as a weird character and carrying on. "Uh, I'm just here to give this to him. From my sister."

Kenny squinted at the cheap but neatly wrapped small box the boy presented him.

"So is she his girlfriend?"

"Uh, no. What's with you and girlfriends and boyfriends? Levi helped her out some days ago when we were trying to get the celebrations ready, and it's his birthday so she wanted to thank him."

Now it was Kenny's turn to look at him as weird character. The boy more of less shoved the box to Kenny's side, relieved for not having the burden on his hand anymore and one less reason to be there.

"Yeah, ok, that's that. I'd appreciate if you gave it to him."

Kenny ignored the boy, focused on the box instead. Birthday? The midget's birthday was today?

He tried to remember something, but as he wasn't even sure what it was, his mind appeared blank at his attempt. Well, the year _was_ almost ending, the date was probably right. How old was he turning anyway? Kenny tried to do some math, but rather than giving him a certain answer between ten or eleven, it just worked to make him realize how long he was looking out for Levi. He could literally count with fingers of one hand the amount of times he had shared a companionship with someone else, and those lasted about two hours each. Levi kinda exceeded that number _slightly_. And he didn't really enter the 'companionship' criteria. Kenny wouldn't go watching over any partner during nightmare filled nights.

What was the plan, again? What did he think when he chose not to ignore his nephew and leave him to die alone, chose to not slice his throat and be done with?

Teach him to live in this world. Ensure he wouldn't die a miserable death like Kuchel had. But Kenny doubted from day one he could look over a kid. There was literally every reason in the world why Kenny the Ripper wasn't meant to have a kid under his care. Still, he did.

The plan was to make sure he could survive alone, like you're supposed to live. To wait around until he had enough power of his own to survive. You were supposed to live _alone_. Hence no companionships, no wives, no kids, barely any family contact.

What the hell had Kenny been doing for nearly seven years? Living with the kid - according to plan, but he probably was a stupid ass back on that day when he misjudged the change he was bringing to himself, his life and his routine - building a routine.

He kept training Levi, ensuring his self growth, most of the times in ways Levi wasn't happy with (he wasn't meant to be happy, he was meant to learn), but Kenny hadn't really considered dealing with the nightmares, or take time to pull a blanket over him when he finally slept, or to actually register the times he was happy enough to show. Share all that with someone.

Those moments, several of them and different from each other, scattered around nearly seven years; Kenny realized how they had actually commit to memory - an useless set of memories that he wasn't expecting. And was actually fond of, in a way.

He had fun messing with Levi, tousling his hair and purposefully annoying him just to get a laugh at his face. That time when the kid broke down all masked control and acted like a normal child, thrilled and asking about the sky - Kenny remembered it, but he probably hadn't been as comprehesive as he should have been, discarded his fascination and curiosity.

But it had been... nice?, to see him like that. And Kenny actually enjoyed all the times he saw Levi learn a new knife skill, that sense of accomplishment that probably wasn't just like a mentor would feel.

Kenny felt his hand rub his nape as he sighed, his old annoying problem-solving-that-did-nothing-to-solve-anything tic returning.

It was weird thinking about all this - weird because this 'normality' became routine and routines weren't meant to exist in the first place. And this one would end.

All that was dated.

Sooner rather than later this would be over, Kenny would move on with his life, his objectives. The plan was to leave. He never considered otherwise. He had more than done his share, he stalled too long, carrying Levi around. All this had an expiration date stampped on it.

Kenny knew it. He didn't think about it, hadn't thought about it in those exact words for most of the previous years, but he knew it.

Levi didn't.

"Here."

Kenny looked up, startled by the sound. Levi had returned with two beer mugs. Despite his puzzled look to Kenny's surprise, he didn't ask anything. Kenny was thankful for that and just picked up one of the beers, quickly drinking a mouthful. Levi climbed up again, and drank his own share in silence under the older man's glance.

"Ugh, your weird moods are contagious."

"What?"

"Would it have been easier for both of us?" What was he even talking about. "If I had snuffed you out, or if I came by one week later?"

"Why are you asking me that? I'm the one that asked first."

"As if, you were a damn baby midget. What good is it to ask all the 'ifs', they don't change our life now, nor that we need power to keep on living. That's what matters, not wondering about past decisions, or what could have been."

He snorted and sighed, his beer staring back at him stupidly. What an ugly mug.

This wouldn't last much longer, would it. Even these silent moments, drinking or just wandering around. He was getting strong enough.

That was good. That was what mattered in the end.

"Ah, we're so fucking insignicant, kid. We're worse than vermin, garbage. And I can't fucking stand that. Our little lives, struggling just to survive, it's so damn enfuriating. That's why I want more, I want it all. That's all you need, ya hear me Levi? Power. Power allows you to live and have everything. You don't need anything else. You keep up, gotta go to the top, and tear the whole world down if ya don't like what ya see."

"Where'd that come from? Alcoholic inspiration?"

He gazed at the courtyard, to the people eating. There were children playing there, prying some snacks here and there. Almost looked like a scene from above, minus the privilege of having a sky.

Levi followed his eyeline, drinking the beer like it was water. Whatever the kid was thinking of Kenny's weird behavior, as usual, was unclear to him.

"Ya shouldn't be drinking," Kenny said more to himself than anything else, several moments later.

"I don't get drunk."

"All the more reasons not to drink."

"What's with you today anyway? Starting to worry you may die or something?"

His face had a memory of its own, reacting to that with a grin he wasn't really bothering to put on. "Ah, ya wish."

Kenny stood up, straightning his jacket and picking up the suitcase beside him.

"I don't like these parties and festivities and whatever."

"I do."

"Then stay here, I'm going."

The folks at the courtyard were starting to play a song. This really wasn't for him.

"Ah, right." He turned, pointing. "That's for you. Some girl sent it."

He caught a glimpse of Levi looking at the wrapped box with an inquiring look, but Kenny turned his back without looking back at him.

The rustle sound of paper being unwrapped followed him, so he didn't really need to turn to know Levi hadn't stayed behind. He heard the paper rustled into his pocket, imagined Levi's expression to what was inside. He'd like to get a present, whatever it might have been. He was still pretty naive and young. Kids like gifts, don't they.

Kenny could just turn around and see, make some usual snarling remark to mess with him, try to dissimulate a gift by paying a meal or something. Compliment him. Just say a simple, uninspired 'happy birthday'.

But he didn't.

_I'm not fit to be a parent. Never was._

_If only._

_._

**the end**

_._

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't likely be writing again anytime soon. My reality break is over. This fic was an unexpected self defense mechanism.
> 
> My fic 'Decision' is a follow up to this.
> 
> Thanks for reading, any form of feedback is appreciated after I poured mind and time into 20000 words in less than a month. Please point out mistakes.
> 
> see you.


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